Speaking with your spouse
Almost every couple who comes to a Phoenix weekend got there because one person asked and the other, eventually, said yes. The asking is the hard part. Here is what tends to work.
Start here
The instinct is to build a case. Print the website, line up the reasons, explain why this will fix what is broken. That approach almost always fails, because it sounds like one more argument about the marriage, and your spouse has heard enough of those.
What works is smaller. Say what you feel, ask for one thing, and let it sit. You are not asking your spouse to agree that the marriage can be saved. You are asking for a weekend.
Most couples who go say the same thing afterward: one of them did not want to be there on Friday night. That is normal. Going in doubtful is not a bad start, it is the usual start.
I am not happy with how we are, and I do not think either of us knows how to fix it. There is a program for couples like us. It is one weekend. I would like us to go. Will you come with me?
A sentence that has worked for a lot of couplesShort, honest, no blame, one clear ask. If you can only get four sentences out before the conversation turns, make them those four.
The conversation
The goal of this conversation is not to reach agreement about the marriage. It is to get a yes to one weekend. Everything that does not serve that can wait.
Timing matters more than wording. Do not ask in the middle of a fight, late at night, or in front of the kids. Pick an ordinary quiet moment, which is harder to find than it sounds and worth waiting for.
Be clear about what it is
A lot of resistance comes from a picture in your spouse's head that has nothing to do with what actually happens. Correcting that picture removes most of the objection.
There is no therapist, no intake form, no diagnosis. Three couples who have been through their own crisis present pieces of their story. That is the whole faculty.
You are never asked to say anything to the room or to another couple. After each presentation the two of you go somewhere private. Your marriage stays between you.
No one on the team is there to decide who was right. There is no evaluation of your marriage and no report at the end.
If your spouse wants to know exactly what a weekend looks like hour by hour, send them to the program page. Some people say yes only after they can see the shape of it.
The fears that come up first
These are the six objections Phoenix couples hear most often. Read them before you ask, so the answer is already in your pocket.
This is not counseling, so a bad experience with a counselor does not predict much about it. Counseling usually means an hour a week with a professional asking questions. Retrouvaille is a weekend plus a series of follow up sessions, led by couples who were where you are, and built around a set of tools the two of you practice on each other.
Many couples who come to Phoenix weekends have been through counseling first. Several have been through more than one counselor.
You will not be asked to. There is no sharing circle and no group discussion of your marriage. The presenting couples talk about their own marriages. You listen, then you write privately and talk to each other.
First names only, and what happens on a weekend stays there. That is not a slogan, it is how the program is run.
Retrouvaille is Catholic in origin and it is open to couples of every faith and of none. Couples come who are Protestant, Jewish, unaffiliated, or done with church entirely.
There is a Mass at the close of the weekend and attending it is optional. Nobody is asked to pray, sign anything, or agree to a belief in order to take part.
That is a fair thing to feel after years of the same argument. The honest answer is that a weekend guarantees nothing. What it offers is a different way of talking that most couples have never been taught, and a room full of people who used the same tools to climb out.
You are not being asked to believe it will work. You are being asked to give it one weekend before deciding it will not.
There is a modest registration fee that covers lodging, meals and materials, and confidential financial assistance is available to any couple who asks. No couple has ever been turned away from a Phoenix weekend over money.
The time is real. It is Friday evening through Sunday afternoon, plus follow up sessions across about three months. Weigh that against what the current situation is already costing both of you.
Couples come to Retrouvaille separated, in the middle of a divorce, and after a divorce is final. Some come living in different houses and drive to the weekend in separate cars.
The program was built for marriages in serious trouble, not for marriages that need a tune up. If things are bad, you are exactly who it is for.
If the answer is no
Plenty of couples register for the second or third weekend they talked about, not the first. Asking once and letting it go often does more than asking five times in a week.
If your spouse says no, thank them for hearing you out and leave the door open. Put the next date on the calendar in your own head, not on the refrigerator. Ask again when the next weekend is close enough to be a real choice rather than an idea.
In the meantime, call us. We talk to people in your position every week, including people whose spouse has not agreed to anything yet. There is no pressure in that call and nobody will contact your spouse.
When you get a yes
Do not wait until the logistics are solved. Hold the spot, then work out the childcare and the time off. We will help with the rest.
602-254-6723